Katherine Hayton | Kiwi chocolate
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21 Jul / Kiwi chocolate

Oh, happy days. A Friday afternoon discussion led to the following correspondence with Whittaker’s chocolate:

Sent: Friday, 17 July 2015 5:12 p.m.
Subject: Lolly Cake Chocolate

Sent by: Katherine Hayton

Dear Whittaker’s,

Today our office pod had its usual Friday afternoon discussion about the various flavours of chocolate available, and have decided that if a chocolate maker were to produce a variety of Lolly Cake Chocolate we would definitely be hearty supporters of such a venture.

Do you know of any chocolate makers who would be interested in producing such a flavour?

Kind regards,
Katherine

I expected this email would drop into the bottomless pit that is a corporation’s ‘Contact Us’ email address, but today I received the following in reply:

Good Afternoon Katherine,

Thank you for your product suggestion. I agree a Whittaker’s lolly cake would be a delicious product!

I have forwarded your email on to our product development manager and she will add your product suggestion to our customer database. We monitor this database with the marketing team to look for product trends so hopefully one day we will be able to consider this further.

Thanks again for contacting us. We hope you continue to enjoy our chocolate.

Kind Regards,
(name of representative removed for privacy reasons, hers not mine, I’ve failed miserably at maintaining my privacy by aggressively marketing myself)

P: +64 4 2375021 | F: +64 4 237 4743
PO Box 50139, Porirua 5024
24 Mohuia Cres, Elsdon, Porirua 5022

Tres excitement.

In case you hale from a country outside of New Zealand, lolly cake is a staple of our wide and varied culture. It is created by taking a packet of malt biscuits*, crushing them mercilessly into crumbs, mixing in sweetened condensed milk and melted butter (because biscuits don’t naturally contain enough fat and sugar) then chopping up an inappropriately named bag of lollies (Eskimos**) and mixing the whole lot together, rolling in coconut and popping in the fridge until set.

We call this baking. We don’t have a lot of call for pastry chefs down here.

Needless to say, the whole thing is absolutely delicious. It would be entirely appropriate for this fantastic tasting foodstuff to then be packaged into little squares, coated with Whittaker’s chocolate, and sold in family size bars. Even more fat and sugar can only be another improvement.

If any peoples of the world would like to help me in my quest, please feel free to drop your own inquiry through to Whittaker’s and see if we can raise some demand.

*Apparently there are some people in the UK who actually eat these as biscuits. You won’t find that happening in New Zealand. We have malt biscuits to make lolly cake, the same way we have reduced cream and onion soup to make dip. They exist solely for the purpose of the recipe we use them in.

**Eskimos are like fruit puffs, but are a tad racist and shaped like old-fashioned Inuit dolls. Yeah, I don’t know why either. I shudder to think the marketing department that dreamed that one up.

By Katherine Hayton in Katherine Hayton's Blog
1 Comment
  • dayr

    It would take a lot to get me to eat that sort of stuff.

    Reply

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